id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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