You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
