Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
