i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
