I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
