I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
