Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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