respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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