Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
