Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
