Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
