Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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