The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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