I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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