??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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