With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
