I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
