well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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