just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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