Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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