ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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