Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
