are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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