I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
