I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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