I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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