I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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