can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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