he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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