if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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