Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
