kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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