yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
