life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The beer is more important than you right now.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
