I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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