my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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