I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
