do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
