My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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