Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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