she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
