I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
