My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
