she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
