VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
