Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
