I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
