and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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