you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
