yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
