I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
