I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
