Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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