i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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