I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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