but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
