I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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