I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
