Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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