So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
